


like a mirror (and i hate what i see)

by Herricane



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (Maybe less squinting required further into the story we'll see), Also it's more of, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Evan/Connor if u squint, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Sad boys in soft friendship, but tagging just to be safe, but that's DEH isn't it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 00:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11521065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herricane/pseuds/Herricane
Summary: Evan sets the flowers down on the still empty side table, thrusting the card at Connor."This way," he says, praying Connor remembers, "we can both pretend that we have friends."ORConnor's suicide didn't go as planned. It feels, Evan thinks, a little too familiar.





	like a mirror (and i hate what i see)

Connor doesn't get better right away, but then again, neither did Evan, so out of everyone in Connor's life Evan would like to think he has the lowest (and therefore most realistic) expectations. 

The first time Evan visits Connor in the hospital Connor tracks his movements with dull eyes for several long, uncomfortable moments before breaking the silence and asking in a voice that sounds, to Evan, too exhausted to be angry, though not for lack of trying, "What the fuck are you doing?" 

Evan doesn't have an answer. Connor's eyes flicker to Evan's cast where Connor's own signature remains it's only decoration. "We're not friends, you know." Evan opens his mouth--to say what, he has no idea, probably just to stutter pointlessly, if he's being honest-- but Connor beats him to the punch, "We're not." 

Evan supposes--knows--that Connor is right. Connor is very adamant about this point. Incident in the library aside, they've probably exchanged three words to each other, if that. So Evan stays silent, picks at his cast, avoids Connor's eyes. His eyes drift to Connor's bedside table which, to his surprise, is completely bare. 

Hospital rooms, by their nature are spartan. It's that necessary utilitarianism which makes them so functional (and unwelcoming, thinks Evan). But Evan knows through experience (his own and second-hand via movies and books and the like) that bedside tables are rarely so barren. Hospital patrons, especially kids, usually have flowers or, or cards or balloons or something. Heidi had even brought Evan a small bouquet of blue carnations for his own brief stint in the emergency room following his... fall ("to brighten up the place," she had said without prompting, pressing a kiss into Evan's hairline). 

Connor has nothing.

Evan nods to himself, seeming to reach some sort of decision. He rises without a word and leaves the room. Behind him, Evan almost thinks he hears Connor sigh, wether in relief or disappointment Evan can't say, but then again, he's probably imagining it (he's not) and there's no point in overthinking something that never happened, right? 

 

The next time Evan visits Connor it's with a card and a vase full of flowers in hand.  
Connor takes him slowly, with disbelieving eyes. Evan stands at the threshold afraid to cross, like a criminal awaiting judgement, shuffling his feet awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Connor. 

Just when he feels the silence is too much to bear and is planning to drop the flowers and run Connor speaks, very plain.  
"What. A--" 

Evan, against his better judgement and the quiet internal screaming which serves as background noise to everything Evan does, interrupts him, stumbling in his rush to get his point across, "I-I noticed, it's--you--with, with, uhhh..." he falters, seeing Connor's baffled expression, but persists. "My Cast! M-my cast it's like-- when you--..." he hesitates, takes a deep breath and with as much confidence as he can manage (which is not a lot) sets down the flowers on the still empty side table, thrusting the card at Connor. 

"This way," says Evan, praying Connor remembers, "we can both pretend that we have friends." 

There's a beat where Evan watches something like realization dawn on Connor, and honestly, Evan is afraid of what Connor might say so he leaves before Connor has the chance to respond but not before he sees the barest of a suggestion of a smile inch onto Connor's face; and for what it's worth, it makes it feel like a good day. He puts it in his letter.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first thing I've ever posted dear lord ummmm big thanks to avengegoose for being my best wife and my sounding board lmao 
> 
> and big ol thanks to anyone who has decided to read this ok luv u


End file.
